I have not slept properly in several weeks. I wake between 4am and 5am wondering what I can possibly change to even get close to balancing the budget.
At school in the morning, exhausted, I listen to the sound of staff outside, happily engaged in an Easter egg hunt before they head off to the pub, while I sift through what’s on my desk, answer emails, pore over spreadsheets and sign off on numerous pieces of paperwork.
Being a head is, as they claim, a lonely job, often thankless. And yet, I love my job. Ten years in, I love my job - and this was was why it was disheartening, although perhaps not surprising, to see a recent NAHT survey showing that fewer teachers aspire to headship.
The highs and lows of a headteacher
I have always firmly believed that education matters. It was my passport out, and I have seen it be the same for countless others over 30-plus years in the profession.
Working alongside people who champion education, working with those who believe in its power, can be transformational, for me and for them. The more you do it, the more you grow with it. This job and the people I have met through it have helped me to grow personally in ways no other job could have.
I laugh every day. Schools are hilariously silly places to work - like the time I spent morning duty running around a field chasing sheep that had escaped from a nearby farm or when serious and esteemed colleagues dressed up as princesses and grinches for our Christmas fair.
Some days I cry, too - the stress and the tough decisions can be relentless. But my team and close colleagues are an unimaginable source of support; they get it and they feel it, too.
The challenge of leading in education creates lifelong bonds with those alongside you doing the hard work. Having a purpose is a privilege. I don’t see the same in some of my peers’ employment: they often appear to be simply going through the motions.
Working with young people doesn’t allow this - it is incredibly enriching and invigorating, and a source of laughter and fun in what is otherwise a very grown-up and often bleak world.
Listening to an impromptu music performance at lunchtime, enjoying a giggle with students while on lunchtime toilet duty, cheering them on at sports fixtures, applauding their success in the arts, seeing them succeed and then them wanting to tell you about it.
These shared experiences have the capacity to re-energise us personally and professionally.
This doesn’t diminish the middle-of-the-night worries, the sense of despair as yet another aggressive email arrives threatening X or Y if I don’t do A or B. But it does make it feel worthwhile.
Furthermore, despite these very real challenges, we still have a certain amount of autonomy. We are responsible for decision making within our sphere of control and we can make a difference - every day, if I look for it, I can feel a sense of achievement.
A vital support service
Indeed, while schools are seen as the fourth emergency service, it is a service that I know some families are very grateful for. Being the one constant in some families’ lives, while it undoubtedly takes its toll, especially on those staff who pick up the call first, is immensely rewarding.
After all, we often act as the conduit between bureaucracy and reality, between poverty and hope, and that can led to positive relationships that last a lifetime.
And while there is no doubt that the job demands a lot of your time, I have managed to be a parent, too - and one that has benefited from the role.
I have been at every parents’ evening, spent every school holiday travelling with my children, and supported them through their educational journey with a perspective few of their friends were afforded.
There is undoubtedly variety and unpredictability in this job: it’s never dull. Being able to build a culture, challenge a damaging trajectory, hold out a lifeline or open a young person’s mind to untold horizons and life-changing opportunities is an absolute privilege.
Nothing beats it
Headship is undoubtedly tough right now. It is understandable that headteachers have stepped down or are considering doing so, and that others a rung below on the ladder may be wary of stepping up.
Yet the job has never been more important - or more rewarding.
That is why other leaders like myself will be sharing their positive perspective on the role, to show that, for all the heartache and headaches, it is a job that, after 10 years, I can still say I truly love.
Caroline Barlow is co-chair of the Headteachers’ Roundtable
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